guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
