i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
