it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
