I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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