there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
