what day is it and did you see me today?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
