So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
