Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
