dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
