The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
