just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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