Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
