my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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