How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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