my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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