before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
