I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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