I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
They are going to name an STD after you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
