just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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