Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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