Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
