I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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