She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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