he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
