Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
