Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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