I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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