If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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