I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
