im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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