I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
