Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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