woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
