hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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