Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
