She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
