It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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