I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
