I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
