grandma shit on top of the toilet
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
