I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
