She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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