When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
