WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
