I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Rumble strips road head = magical
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
