singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
