I think I died a long time ago.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
