Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
