I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
