I need to stop coming to work sober
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
