my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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