so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
