he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
