i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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