I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
