just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
