What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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